if you want to feel the exact opposite of having it all together, move on from your job and lose a relationship at the same time. the pain is searing. the vastness of emptiness and loneliness i feel is without bounds at this leg of the journey. i have refused to process it. i actually don’t feel that i can. going to sleep and waking up is enough. it is all i can manage. the most difficult part is the daily renewal — like burned skin, forced to peel and regrow every day for the health of the whole. it’s a daily reminder that i will never get to control or plan my own life and get away with it. i have tried without success for years (read: life) and yet this particular trial seems the most unfair of them. “not like this. not in these ways, lord. surely?” the toll it has taken on me seems one i can’t bear. i know i will. i know god will gently, graciously carry me through. but for now, i’m limp and lifeless in his arms praying each day only for peace. that’s it. peace that he’s here. that he sees me. that he doesn’t delight in my pain but always has purpose. that i can trust him. in none of these things can i trust temporarily. with mind-reeling and head-spinning, eternally and eventually, yes. but for now, i wake and sleep because the lord sustains me.
in the grand scheme, i know this is a kindness and that i will most likely live to see the purpose. there are glimpses even now. his kindness in breaking me of anything i could put my worth in aside from him. kindness in the sudden taking of everything in which i might idolize my own sufficiency and thus ripping from me the pride i bring arrogantly to his throne. i come demanding my way at his dust-covered, holy feet forgetting my every moment need for him. yet, his message is loud and clear: i can’t do this without him. if for nothing other than this — this ache for heaven and his surpassing peace — it will have been enough to warrant my pain. i know this and i still resent it. i don’t want any more hard lessons. no more valleys. no more tear-stained pillows (is this a t-swift song?) or lonely nights. i don’t want them. yet. yet, god in his kindness and sovereignty has led me through every trial with his glory and my good in mind and will be faithful to carry me through this one as well.