in a previous job interview, one of the questions they asked was “if you could be any celebrity, who would it be and why?” now, this line of inquiry wasn’t exactly something i had planned for so i tried to think on my feet and make someone up. i had nothing. at this point, i was fairly sure the job wasn’t a good fit for me anyways so i thought of saying “kim kardashian because she seems like a real role model and gets a lot of likes on instagram” but figured i’d better not. after contemplating the question for a bit longer, i know my answer — shirley maclaine as ouiser boudreaux in steel magnolias.
first of all, if you haven’t seen that movie, it’s pure gold — great cast, ultra quotable, endearing and hilarious all at the same time. we won’t mention that it’s horrendously sad as well but once you’ve seen it a few times, you can come to appreciate all the other factors. there’s dolly parton doing up hair to high heaven, wild gal daryl hannah gone cliche christian, sally field and julia roberts as mother-daughter duo, and then…. there’s shirley maclaine aka ouiser, boudreaux.
she’s my favorite ever. she’s crass and sour. she doesn’t fake it for anyone. she has the best one-liners. and no one takes her seriously. she’s everything i aspire to be. here i present to you, 10 of my favorite ouiser lines.
1. “eat shit and die”
there is nothing better than this. short, sweet (or something) and to the point. not wasting any time. i can respect that. also, she says it at easter which makes her my hero.
2. “you are a boil on the butt on humanity”
we’ve all felt like this about someone, ouiser is just the only one bold enough to say it.
3. “i try not to eat healthy food if i can possibly help it”
a diet plan i’m on board with.
4. “i’m not crazy, i’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years”
crazy vs. being in a very bad mood = very different things. i’m enlightened.
5. “i am pleasant, damn it.”
6. “men are the most horrible creatures, honey. they’ll ruin your life, mark my words”
the twice-married ouiser’s encouraging words spoken to a soon-to-be bride! all the women said, “amen”.
7. “you are a pig from hell”
adding it to my repertoire. said after a funeral. still my hero.
8. “don’t try to get on my good side, i no longer have one”
as if there was a good side to begin with.
9. “i’m not as sweet as i used to be”
well, you don’t say?
10. “shut up”
as this is my signature statement which i use too frequently — i concur. she also tells clairee that people don’t care about her commentary on purple uniforms aka “grape shit” right after this.